Today it finally hit me, how can I do it all? I know the answer to this question is simple...I can't but I am having a hard time trying to make it all balance. As you know in April Aaron and I had our dreams come true when our prefect twins were born. I have to say there is nothing better. In July after almost 13 weeks home with them I returned to work. I have to admit this has gone better than I imagined it would.
But today I hit a bit of a wall on my way into work. I work for an advertising agency as a lead print production manager and manage a team of 4 people they are amazing and make my job as a manager so easy. We are responsible for the back end of the projects which some times can make stuff lingering well past quitting time. To compensate for this we have developed staggered shifts meaning some come in at 8, some at 10 and some at noon. For the most part this solves our problems, but then there are days like last night that no planning can fix. My team was at work until midnight and if you know anything about advertising you know that is just part of the business, but my problem is I had to leave at 5:30 to get home to the twins. My supervisor told me when I came back on this account after returning from leave that he knew I had new priorities and wanted me to delegate and leave on time. Which is great but I have major guilt, last night I looked at my phone before going to bed and I could see the emails of my team still hard at work while I rested my head on my pillow. This is hard for me because I never want my team to feel that because I have a family or I am the boss I can skip out on the hard days-but I have to.
I want to give 110% everywhere but sometimes I feel like everyone is only getting 50% at best from me. I feel torn between being an employee, a mother, a wife, a housekeeper, a friend and the list can go on and on.
I don't want to let me team down but I have to get home to my babies. Am I giving them my best or are they just getting what is left of me and then there is Aaron I know he is not getting what he deserves from me and lets not even talk about what our house looks like right now. I feel so stretched and overwhelmed that I am not sure I am doing anything but surviving.
At this time me working is not an option it is a necessity-I am currently our primary income as Aaron looks for a job. Then I question what we do once he finds one? Can I leave my job that I enjoy at a great company? Can I give up my paycheck and possibly cut our family in come by half? Do I want to be at home all day? I don't know the answer to any of these questions. I do know ultimately my family will come first in any decisions we make. I know God has a plan and I need to seek him more for peace and balance in life. Right now we are doing what we have to do and I have to learn to give myself more grace in all situations. There is a lot on our plate and I think all things considered we are doing ok, I was just having one of those days.