Sunday, April 15, 2012

Great Expectations

In life there are many things we have Great Expectations about. With the twins I have found to look for the blessing in the circumstances and not dwell on what should have been (in my opinion). Over the last three years I have learned more and more my plans don't matter one bit and I to try and not romanticize what I perceive to be normal-if I do I will just feel jipped out of moments that "should" have been.

In October of 2009 Aaron and I decided that it was time for us to add to our family and start trying for a baby. Being a mother is the one thing I had always known I wanted to be in life. While in the back of my mind I am pretty sure I felt this was not going to be a simple task but I longed for this and had Great Expectations. After 11 months and a little bit of medical intervention we finally got our positive pregnancy test and were finally going to be parents.

A few weeks later we went in for our first ultrasound so excited to get our first glimpse of our baby that we had longed for. Quickly we knew we were not seeing what most see on that little black and white screen-there were two perfect little heart beats growing inside of me instead of one. On that day I know we were in shock not sure what to think-I can't really say I remember much else that happened-We were only planning on one but we got two. I don't think we had any idea what a blessing this "change of plans" was to become in our lives.

Through out the pregnancy things went well and as they continued this way our Expectations for a normal delivery grew knowing from the beginning this may not be the case, with the increased risks that come from carry twins. At 34 weeks 1 day we got our game changer once again. I went to the OB for my weekly appointment and was admitted to the hospital for pre-eclampsia. The next morning it was determined the twins would be delivered that day. This was the day I had dreamed about for so long, I was finally going to get to become a mommy and hold my sweet babies for the first time. Jackson was born first and Aaron was able to hold him for a few seconds and let me give him a kiss on the head before they took him to the NICU. Then our feisty Riggs was born 2 minutes later. She was not doing as well as her brother and they decided to put in a breathing tube and quickly wisked her out of the room, I was only able to get a quick glance of my little girl as she passed. Neither of these met the Great Expectations I had for this moment. It was about 6 hours before I got to see them and over 24 before I was able to hold my babies for the first time. And as you can imagine, I left the hospital in tears a few days later without my babies-not the moment I had dreamed of once again.

Then last Friday they turned ONE! Now this was the time I was to finally get That Moment. Friday we would spend with family and then Saturday was the party I had been planning for months. Well not exactly. Thursday morning as I was literally walking out the door for work I noticed a few spots on Riggs and an extremely irritable little girl who would not eat her breakfast. My Expectations were once again squashed as we later determined our little girl who had not been sick all year had Hand Foot and Mouth. We were able to celebrate with most of our family on Friday, but my oldest sister could not come since she has little ones too. However Saturday, the big party I had dreamed of had to be postponed until the twins were healthy.

At first as I processed all of this I felt so jipped; why have I not had those perfect moments like everyone else does with their babies? But then I reflected on all I had and while no none of it went as I expected, it has all been perfect and exactly as God planned it. I have two perfectly healthy 1 year olds (well other than HFM) who I adore more than anything. I have been brought more joy by these two little ones than I could have every imagined. Have we had those Perfect Moments I dreamed about? No. But have we had so many Perfect Moments, that have far exceeded my Expectations? Yes! I guess in all of this I have learned it is not those planned moments that make our story it is those that happen on their own that make life so amazing!

Don't worry the twins will still have their party, just not when I planned.

I am hoping to have more post (probably than you want to read) in the next few days as I catch up on Easter and such-since the last week was spent working on the party.


Anne said...

So sorry your precious babies are sick! Mac (and Bradley) both had HFM around his birthday time too, and we very nearly canceled his party. It's a horrendous illness and I'm praying y'all get rid of it soon!

Melanie said...

Hey!! We did go to Harding...we were there from 2003-2007! Know anyone around that time? Totally know what you mean about things don't really go as planned with two seems like we're sick everytime something big is planned! :) Hope you get that big birthday party! -Melanie