Tuesday, August 2, 2011

God is Good!

The other day I came across a private blog I had started over a year ago to use as a journal of sorts while I was readying Beth Moore's So Long Insecurity. I did not keep it up very long but it captured a very raw time in my life. It was amazing to see where I was about a year and a half ago and how much has changed. It showed me how great God is and how he always provides in His timing. And his timing is always perfect. Throughout this I am going to share some of the excerpts from my journal.

October 2009 Aaron and I decided that we were ready to start our little family. As life always happens this is when work got extremely crazy for me. I was working 80-90 hours a week and was completely stressed out and overwhelmed. Such a great time for us to start this process, right? Well the first month went by I took the pregnancy test and it was negative. I can't really say I was surprise with everything else that was going on. This was such a hard time for me as I longed for something so bad and was coming to the reality that it was not going to be as easy as I had once thought. What if it never entire life I had felt one of my purposes in life was to be a mommy. This first excerpt is about 5 months into trying...

March 15, 2010
Struggling…the only word that truly describes where I am today. I long for so much more and just don’t know where to start. I want a baby and so far we have not been blessed with one-it seems everyone around me is getting pregnant but not me. I am trying to turn this over to God, but my heart is hurting to the core. I long for God right now and I just don’t know what to do.

Saturday evening we were out to dinner some dear friends. Upon arrival they told us their great news that they were expecting. While I was extremely happy for this during this time of joyous celebration, I couldn’t help but think why not me. We have been trying longer and I am older. I was so happy for them but at the same time I was fighting back tears from my own struggles. Why do some people always get what they want? I want a baby why am I not pregnant? I know God has a plan and I must be patient, but it is really hard. Isn’t having a baby what we were made to do. This is something that has really made feel insecure in my womanhood.

During this time from October to March we had no success so it was time for me to go talk to my doctor...

March 16, 2010
Today I went to see the OBGYN about my issues I have been having or I guess not having. I am really glad that I have found a doctor I like and trust, he always makes me feel like a real person and not just a patient to check of his list that day. Pretty much he thinks that I am not ovulating therefore it is extremely hard to get pregnant. I am going back on BC for a month and then will start taking Chlomid. I have some nerves about this but I am excited to have a game plan. I just pray it all works. I am not really sure how I feel right now. I am frustrated, scared and emotional but at the same time I think have a sense of relief. Chlomid does have some pretty fun side effects so I am not sure how that will go and then there is the increased chance of multiples. That will totally freak Aaron out. 

For the next 5 months we tried Chlomid. Each month with limited if any success by the last month I was up to 200mG. Here is a piece from midway through the journey...

June 8, 2010
Right now I am anxious. Trying to wait on the Lord for I know his plan is good. After 2 rounds of Chlomid I actually ovulated. Of course I was not on schedule but something in my gut told me to keep doing the test everyday and low and behold on day 23 both lines were pink. I did not believe that I was reading it right so I went and got a digital test and it had a smiley face!!!! I am so anxious now as I wait on wait. Am I pregnant were we able to conceive? I have a sense of relief in the process though because I know the medication works. Praise God.
My prayer this week has been a mixed one. I pray that I am pregnant and God will give me the wisdom to nurture this baby as it grows in me and then once it is part of our family. However I also pray that if I am not that God will continue to guide us on this journey as he has the ultimate plan. I am so anxious to take the test but I know I need to wait until next week sometime the suspense is killing me.

Oh how I pray I am. My heart has been so broken over the last few weeks. I have experienced such sadness in others joy. Seeing my friends become pregnant is so bitter sweet for me right now. That was a really hard week I found out another 3 of my friends are pregnant. God has comforted me and guided me through this and given me the strength to cling to him.

I want to share in this time with my friends. I don't want them to feel sorry for me or feel that they can't talk about their blessing around me...oh how I pray I am pregnant.

This was the last time I posted on this blog/journal. I wish I had continued throughout the rest of my journey. As you might imagine we did not have success this month either. At this point my regular OB decided that it was time for me to go to a fertility specialist to see if they could help our dreams come true. As any of you who have been through this process know it takes time to get into these practices. We finally had an appointment August 16th. We talked about different options for now and the future they did some lab work to look at my hormone levels to see if there was any clues there as to why things just didn't work they were supposed to. After this appointment I was put on 5 mG of Fermera-which is actually a drug that was initially created for breast cancer patients. August 30th was the day that I was looking for the positive on the ovulation test. I took the test that morning and saw something I had seen too many times before an empty circle-no smiley face. I called the doctors office and they had me come in that afternoon for an ultrasound to see if anything had progressed as we were hopoing. I got good news at this appointment. I actually had a follicle well actually there were two and they just had not released yet. I was given a trigger shot to hopefully assist in this process. After this so many thought swirled in my head-could this be the time it finally worked or would it just be another round of disappointment? If this did not work what would we do? Aaron was starting Grad school so we were not in a place where we could spend a ton of money on this and we had already spent over a thousand dollars so far. Would I have to put the one thing I wanted more than anything on hold? These thoughts continued for the next 2 weeks as I waited for the day that I could finally take a pregnancy test. Monday September 13th that day finally came. I woke up early that morning and went downstairs to take the test so I didn't wake up Aaron. After waiting those very long minutes I finally saw what I had waited so long to see for the last 11 months...two pink lines. I ran up stairs bawling. Poor Aaron had no idea what was going on. Our bedroom was pitch black and I woke him from a sound sleep and handed him the test. He was not sure if I was happy or sad all he knew was I was crying. Finally he saw what I did and we both knew that our life had changed forever.

Later that day I went in to have blood work done to confirm the pregnancy. They called me back that afternoon and said my hcg levels confirmed a pregnancy. They were looking for them to be around 25 and they were 50. I couldn't believe it my dreams had come true! At first the numbers meant nothing to me, however that same day I did have one of my coworkers stop me on my way into a meeting and tell me that she had a dream I was having twins. No one besides me and Aaron even knew I was pregnant at this time. I really think God used events such as these to prepare us for what we saw three weeks later on the ultrasound screen.

Tuesday October 5th Aaron and I had our first prenatal appointment and ultrasound. We were going to get a sneak peak at our little peanut. The doctor actually was in the room during the ultrasound and as soon as the image popped up on the screen he made a comment and I responded There are two aren't there! Aaron and I were in shock but also excited beyond belief. At that point we knew we had two little peanuts and our lives truly would never be the same.

Through this I learned that God ALWAYS has a plan and it is way better than we could ever imagine. I longed for a baby for 10 long months with no success. There we many hard days and weeks. Through this God used some of my amazing friends for comfort and perspective. He gave me peace when I needed it most. Aaron and I never dreamed we would have twins, nor did we think we could handle them, but God knew better. If we had gotten pregnant any earlier we would not have our sweet Jackson or Riggs as they are. They are our perfect babies that God has given. His plan is always perfect and I wouldn't change a single thing because if I did the outcome would be different and I am not willing to give up what I have now. I have learned every tear and thought had a purpose in God's plan.

1 comment:

Catherine said...

Hey Cindy! I'm so glad you shared this on your blog. It reminds me how blessed I am to have my sweet boy. I know you cherish your sweet boy and girl so much, especially after it took a little while to get them here! I'm back at work now too, so I've got time to catch up on your blog! Ironic huh? I come back to work and have some "free" time. :)